The Tao of Sam

Category: Chapters

  • Chapter 106: Hair Today, Dead Tomorrow

    “You know you can take a pill for that.”

    “What?”

    “That,” he said, pointing at my hair. “To make it stop.”

    I stared blankly at him. “You mean a pill for baldness.”

    “Yeah. It makes it stop as long as you keep taking it.”

    My old roommate Chase has never had an oversupply of tact, but he does occasionally hit on something worthy of further thought. There exists a variety of treatments for balding, and many of them could combat what is clearly identifiable as a receding hairline. A little pill everyday to keep my hair the way it is. Why not take it?

    In my estimation a full head of hair is good for two things, both closely related:

    1. Confidence.
    2. Picking up chicks (+/- keeping them around).

    I feel comfortable positing that a man whose confidence depends on his hair isn’t really a man at all, and relying on your good looks to get and keep a girlfriend probably won’t get you the really good ones. My opinions aside, hair research and the general fight against looking older are big business, and in general all boil down to the same problem. People don’t want any reminder that certain periods of their lives eventually go away (like being young).

    I’m 24. I’m young now. If I want to reap the benefits of being young, I should do it now. If I want to return from the summit I just climbed, rip off my skis and clothing and jump right into a hot tub with three Swedish snow bunnies, I need to do that now. If I want to drink too much, pick up chicks in bars and make bad decisions, there’s no time like the present.

    People are slackers, and the desire to keep your head of hair for later use is just that. It’s slacking. “Well, I don’t know what I want to do with this head of hair yet, but someday I’ll have a really good plan and I want to still have it then.”

    I’m not bitter about it, I’m just not worried. The only women I’ve ever nabbed have been through qualities completely unrelated to my physical appearance, and it’d be foolish to assume that would somehow change.

    In closing, one day I hope to have a *great* personality.

  • Chapter 105: Ten things I learned in Japan

    I’ve had a extremely hard time summarizing Japan, both conversationally and Chaptorally. It could be that the trip was so multifaceted it defied description, or perhaps Japan just stepped outside my comfort zone into a realm of new experience. Maybe I’m just not as good as I think I am.

    1. A culture of non-immigrants
    I’m used to the melting pot. Never in my entire life have I felt like the outsider as blatantly as I did in Japan. Something around 98.6% of the country is Japanese, and us whities and blackies and brownies stick out like Wizards in the Shire (though they’re not as short as implied). When I walked into a restaurant it occasionally felt as if the hostess would mouth “What is HE doing here?”

    2. Japan has never been introduced to the Twinkie
    “Jesus, there are a lot of really hot girls here!” I initially became worried that I had become inflicted by the Asiaphile virus that often besets white males with engineering degrees. However, there exists a much simpler explanation: the Japanese are just all very thin. Chase argues that it’s the diet, that culturally the meals are healthier and also tend to encourage smaller portions. In any event, the girls are incredibly skinny.

    3. Recycle culture or “Someone stole the Trash cans”
    There are very few public trash cans in Japan. By few, I mean that you walk around for 30 minutes carrying your empty fast food cup before you find somewhere legal to drop it. It’s a remarkably effective passive measure to force you to conserve and reuse your trash, or at least sneak into more restaurants.

    4. Repressed sexuality and the objectification of women
    Imagine the US where the 60’s never happened, or at least the feminist movement was a joke. Love hotels, masturbation motels, porn at every turn, creepy men on subways grabbing peoples breasts. And yet, the women just sort of smile passively and look the other way.

    5. Japan has stereotypes of which you haven’t dreamed
    There are roving bands of girls dressed up in a cross between full authentic victorian formal wear and Little Bo Peep’s outfit. Be careful when walking in crowded areas lest you be surrounded by a Group Of Guys Who Look Like Elvis. Also, we once wandered down an alleyway to find 30 teenage girls wearing tattered rags as fashion statements, sitting on the ground poking each other laughing.

    6. Public transportation is the future
    The train system is incredible: fast, clean, reliable. The subways are smoother than babies bottoms (we’re talking a constant acceleration between start and max speed, every single time). For being the largest city in the world, Tokyo’s transportation system made travel easier than I could have imagined (though stay away from the buses, good luck figuring them out).

    7. You can do fine without much personal space
    I had originally been worried about being surrounded by so many people at all times, but I found it was easier than I had thought. The scary parts of Japan for me had more to do with confusion and being lost than not having room to breath. Chase’s apartment was quite small, but after a couple of days you just get used to it. Arriving back in Alexandria felt like returning home to a warehouse.

    8. I’m still learning as a trip planner
    Vacations are incredibly important to everyone, and not everyone speaks up when group decisions are being made. It’s incredibly important to talk individually with your trip partners before you leave to get an idea of what they want out of the trip as a whole. Otherwise stuff just gets left out.

    9. It took me about 15 minutes to become desensitized to the sight of a penis
    Goldie and I went to two different authentic Onsens (bathhouse) while in Japan. I never had a shared shower experience in high school, so at first being surrounded by naked dudes was a little shocking. At the beginning I covered my package with my little hand towel timidly as I moved between different hot tubs, but by the hour and a half point I walked around with my hands on my waist and my hand towel thrown haphazardly over my shoulder. We’ve all got ’em, and judging by experimental observation they’re all *about* the same size, so what’s to be embarrassed about?

    10. Anything to the exclusion of all else is bad
    Japan was a long trip for me, the longest I’ve done without my parents involved. It wasn’t homogenous at all, changing gears and settings frequently. Context shifts are incredibly important with long vacations; you (specifically I) can’t survive doing the same thing for too long, so moving between cities and travel partners helped keep the trip interesting. If I had to do it again, I’d head further outside the cities into smaller towns and try to find some way to spend more time with Japanese people my age (too many Gaijins for my taste).

    I’d go back.

  • Chapter 104: Why Karaoke is so damn important

    The Karaoke bar is full of misfits, the kind of people who only fit in with other people that don’t fit in. This isn’t the Irish bar, the frat bar, the posh bar. This is the place where nights end. This is the place where lives begin.

    Three songs. That’s how long until your name is called. Three songs of freedom before you walk up onto the stage, grab the microphone and orgasm on every single person sitting in front of you, their rapt attention standing in marked contrast to the incredible cacophony ready to exit from your waiting tongue.

    Song number one is the first example of how to lose the crowd. Four dolled up girls get up to sing about having fun, and from the looks of it they’re having the time of their lives. Next month they’ll remember back to “that crazy night” they had, but they likely won’t remember getting much applause; there wasn’t any. There’s nothing quite as selfish as getting up and singing for yourself, so don’t let the door hit you on your way out.

    Song number two. Second example of how to lose the crowd. Sucka picks a song that’s too fast for his flow and all of a sudden he’s staring at words flying by the screen but there’s nothing hitting the microphone. He fell off the train and now it’s hurtling by him at fifty miles an hour and every time he tries to jump back on he’s a beat off. I’ve been that guy before, it sucks (old school). Know the damn song.

    The last singer gets it right. He knows that it’s not about how good of a singer he is, it’s about changing costumes. He knows that Karaoke is the game of make believe and dress up reincarnated in bar form. He knows that the karaoke rock stars are the actors, the ones without fear or shame.

    When he gets up on stage, he’s no longer the loner by the bar. This man’s a fucking god, and he knows it. He walks over humbly to his seat after he finishes and no one talks to him. They wouldn’t be talking to Him, because he’s not the same Him that just made half the audience feverish. When you step up you step into the shoes of someone bigger than you.

    The stage lets you be a rock star for one song in exchange for remembering one crucial little detail. It’s not just karaoke. It’s a microcosm of Real Life. Check your ego at the door, put on your fancy hat and dance.

    It’s dinner parties, black tie functions, fancy restaurants, theater stages, the wedding chapel, your college graduation, thanksgiving at your girlfriend’s grandparents house, the court appearance and the moment you expect her to say “Yes!”

    Remember, kid, you’re not doing this for you. You’re doing this for them.

  • Chapter 103: The Definitive Guide to bagging States and Countries

    Most men enjoy competition, whether it be sports, card games or the sheer volume of alcohol one can imbibe. However, in the grand scheme of all things gaming, these pursuits are quite trivial. Card games are determined in a sitting, sports in an afternoon, and the effects of drinking go away eventually (if things didn’t get too out of hand).

    My favorite game isn’t played in one sitting. It’s played through your entire life and on a planetary scale; it’s about bagging. He who bags the most states, the most countries and the most continents (hell, even tectonic plates) wins the game.

    What’s a bag?

    A bag is a state, country or other significant geo-political unit that you’ve visited to a level that you can say “Nevada, yeah, I’ve been to Nevada.” Your trip to this mysterious land must be somewhat substantial; it’s not enough to put a toe over the border or to drive in a mile then turn around. There are three criteria that a trip into an unconquered land must meet in order to count. For the purposes of brevity, I’ll use state to refer to any geo-political entity.

    Criteria #1, Locality: you’ve got to get out into the thick of it

    A good rule of thumb is that you need to have your “feet on the ground”. This rules out airports, highways, any trip where you don’t get out of your car, riding a boat through without stopping, etc. There’s also a fudge factor in that you can’t step a couple of feet away from any of those things and have it count. The immediate support structure of these things are out too, meaning no truck stops, airport hotels etc.

    Criteria #2, Uniqueness: it has to be representative of the state

    You can’t drive through a state, stop a little ways into a local town and eat at a McDonalds. That’s Anytown, USA, and it’s in no way indicative of the local culture. You need to go somewhere or do something that’s quasi-unique for the state or the cultural / geographic region the state is in. Eat at a locally owned place that makes local food, visit some historical site, see something that screams “Georgia”.

    Criteria #3, Memorability: it can’t be a throwaway experience, you need a story

    A bag isn’t a bag unless there’s a story. The local eatery off the freeway doesn’t count unless something story-worthy happens. It doesn’t have to be life changing, but just something to take the experience from bland to memorable.

    As you can see, all three criteria are not by no means deterministic, and an argument can be made for many borderline cases. The following are some examples to help flesh out the record, but everyone’s requirements as to the three criteria are not the same.

    Things that I WOULD count:

    • I had a layover in Las Vegas that turned into a day-over: two of my flights were canceled back to back, so I took a taxi into the strip. Over the course of 5 hours I gambled at nine separate casinos until I lost a total of a dollar in the slot machines, making just enough to buy myself a drink. (local, unique and definitely memorable)
    • I drove through Nebraska the long way, stopping twice in the middle of nowhere to take quick naps on the side of local roads. The speed limit is 75 the entire state except for a 20 mile stretch right around Omaha, and I got pulled over doing 79 in a 65. Lunch was uneventful, at a local eatery in Omaha. (I count this because while no one experience was all three, the trip as a whole meets my standards)

    Things that I WOULD NOT count (but some people would):

    • I’ve rafted down the Rio Grande twice, which runs along the Mexico / US border in Texas. We put in on the Texan side, and throughout the course of the trip stayed on the Mexican side several times. One night was a frightful experience where a mountain lion roared at us on and off throughout the evening. We took out on the Mexican side of the river and had to pass a border guard to get back into Texas. (while it was memorable, the river is like a highway and both sides are effectively the same, meaning locality is questionable and uniqueness possibly lacking)

    Things that I USED to say didn’t count, but now I’m saying do count: (updated 8-11-07)

    • While on a road trip running through South Carolina, we stopped off in Columbia (the capital) where we ate at a Chain Eatery (TM) in the downtown area. Arguably local, arguably unique as we were in downtown and could see the capital building, but not really that memorable. However, as it’s been a point of contention for so long and I’ve recounted EXACTLY what I did in South Carolina many times, it’s become quite memorable to me.

    The picture below is what you sorry lot get to compete with. It might look like a lot to some people, but I guarantee it looks like a boring life to many others. Now I can’t finish without getting philosophical at least once, so here goes. I’ve often been questioned on the legitimacy of the game, on exactly what justification there might be for bagging countries, states, etc. To that, I answer simply:

    ‘Never Been’ is reason enough.
    worldbagginsmall.PNG

    Updates:
    2007-02-14: I bagged Oregon.
    2007-09-11: I bagged Japan and North Dakota, and correctly marked Netherlands, Scotland and South Carolina (see above) as bagged.
    2008-03-04: I bagged Belgium and Luxembourg.
    2009-04-01: I bagged India and Nepal.
    2010-01-28: I bagged El Salvador.
    2010-06-10: I bagged Spain, Morocco, Portugal, Andorra, Norway and Sweden.
    2010-08-16: I bagged Mexico.

  • Chapter 102: Why I have no future in IT

    Back in Cleveland I once worked part time in Tech Support for a small company on the other side of the city. It was about a forty minute drive to get to their offices, so I tried to do as much as I could via phone and e-mail. One day something broke.

    I got an e-mail saying that they were able to print, access shared network files, but they couldn’t connect to the Internet. They assumed it was something to do with the firewall, so I had them restart it, but still nothing worked. My boss sent me an e-mail asking for advice, help, anything. I replied back with some questions, said “Well, if X and Y are true and Z is false, then shit.” He sent back “X and Y are true, Z is false, advice?”

    I started to realize that by no fault of my attitude I just wasn’t cut out for the job. Due to my being a full-time student, I couldn’t always get out there at the drop of a hat, so my so-called support consisted of “I’ll call our internet provider then get back to you.”

    Part of me wanted to call my boss and go, “Look, this is obviously not working for you. I’m not reliable, regardless if I want to be or not, and even when I can try it seems I can’t get things fixed fast enough or reliably enough to not have an impact on doing business. My recommendation, which is what you’re paying me for, is to have me find a replacement that will not only be better in the short run, but also in the long run when I leave Cleveland.”

    The money was good, the work was normally easy, but no one should have to feel like they’re letting people down. This was why I quit being a student instructor at Case (cross between TA and tutor), that just me being involved and being a warm body was doing more harm than good. I know it wasn’t true, that people liked me being a student instructor even if I wasn’t that amazing, but I guess I needed something to let me leave. I didn’t want to work there anymore because I was too embarrassed by my inability to perform to my own expectations.

    There was a problem once at the company where people wouldn’t be able to print when one of the servers would go down. I thought this was funny, because the printer was a network printer, and in no way connected to the suspect server. However, they hadn’t installed the printers, they were just accessing the shared printer shortcut that the server was sharing. So whenever the server went down, their connection went. I went and downloaded the most up to date printer drivers and installed them on the couple computers that were having problems. Tested them out, worked fine, fast, clean, neat.

    A week later I got a frantic call from the secretary saying that they couldn’t print double sided anymore. I told her that I installed new printer drivers, we walked through it and no where in the new drivers was the ability to print double sided. She asked, “Was the decision to install the new printer drivers a decision you made on your own, or did your boss tell you to do it?”

    IT’S A PRINTER DRIVER. IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. LIFE WILL NOT STOP BECAUSE OF THIS. But it does. And it continues to. Life stopped over the stupidest little junk, and for the life of me I couldn’t see it coming and most of the time just couldn’t fix it fast enough to keep the world spinning.

    Some people pick careers by careful selection. Others pick careers by methodical elimination. I confidently crossed IT off the list long ago.